Dazed + confused in '94: leaving the Black Hills + aimlessly ending up in a drive-away to France


[12/4/2020> Flashing back to October 1994, our last month in South Dakota, picking up from post # 817. This is the last hand-written journal we're having to transcribe, the one after this we already transcribed + after that we kept a journal digitally on a computer so that transcription will go much faster.]

Oct 3 [1994—Hill City, SD]
[Dream from Oct 3 logged already logged in dream journal]
My days in Dakota are numbered. Shaved the the lower part of my head so there's just hair on top. I told the lady to shave my head but when she was ½ way thru i kind of liked it so told her to stop. Having fun at work making "October" quiche, Mexican Tortilla Soup and other fall-like foods, developing new recipes. Squash and corn and peppers, the colors reflecting the display of leaves going on.

Oct 6
Trying to put my finger on what it is i'm feeling. Unexpected travel plans are when i feel most alive. Perhaps that's why i like climbing so much, the sensation when you decide on a move that seems irrational and spontaneous but as you go through with it it makes sense and gives you a rise for some reason. Kansas anyone? The weather's been shitty, raining. Not even snowing. On my 3 days off i worked at OBC [Oriana's Book Cafe], which DD closed for remodeling. Matt and i brought all the books down from the 3rd floor and rearranged the place, destroying old shelves and building new ones. Not something you expect to do on your day off and get paid for it. Recategorize books, make yourself an espresso, if a customer comes in we can say we're closed. We (me, Matt and DD) would eat free excellent meals of course with access to all this food that would otherwise go bad. Monday night we had a "candlelight" dinner washed down w/ 3 bottles of Merlot that DD kept tapping. I went and got videos, Postman Always Rings Twice and Heart of Darkness (not the making of Apocalypse Now). I intentionally got myself the comfy chair and left the futon for DD and Matt. Predictably she starts playing footsie with him and stroking his hand, bringing him beers. Alcohol as an escape, she has a drinking problem. I need to stop drinking just because others around me are. Alcoholics always think they know their mind. But how would you know? Dad could never admit it. Did he really know?
         Late night fades into morning, electrical storms mean no snow. Did i hear this once or is that instinctual? Tuesday and Wednesday were like that except wednesday it started to clear up so Matt and I went to the Outlets, the rock was still soggy so we deliberated. Finally i led Riddle (5.6) with very wet rock and we TR'ed the sunnier side that was less wet but still so, Riddle (5.9) . I guess you can make it 10c but it's contrived. Then Matt led Some 5.9 behind there next to Old People's dome that was alright. I went to go lead Ocean Gypsy (5.7)... i started the 5.9 version, got about 40 feet to a bolt and then it was blank for as far as i could see. So I downclimbed to the other bolt and went left cuz the 5.9 version seemed contrived and runout. Larry and Martin were opposite us doing Jugs. Spewy barking below. I think us 4 are like the only climbers left in the Black Hills. 

[photographic evidence.... Matt, Me + M @ my going away party @ OBC]

Oct 9—Custer
I'm in Custer to escape Hill City. A very strange last week of work. Saturday i trained the new girl M, my replacement in a sense. An interesting person and attractive, bad timing, or good, depending on how you look at it. Damn, where was she at the beginning of the summer? Matt and I took off to climb Leber Loper (5.10–). An excellent 3 pitch route, kind of in its own niche. After the first pitch my hands so numb and cold i was just clawing on god knows what. We went on to Custer for Martin's birthday party. Susan rented out the bowling alley and invited lots of people, all climbers. It was a good time. My last day Sunday i worked til 3, pretty busy too. Lots of weird employee dynamics going on, M getting really annoyed w/ slacker Shane, who at this point is gonna get fired, while i was patiently trying to train Roxy to cook. After 3, DD, M and I went for a hike above Horsethief lake until we heard gunshots and retreated. Thus began my going away party. We went back to the cafe, started into the beer and carved a pumpkin. Matt and Darin were the only ones on the clock but we were helping them. Soon Larry showed and then Martin, Terry, Laura, Vice, Mike Lilygren and a lot of Susan's climber friends getting free beer and food—stuffed peppers, pesto, quiche, salad, cheesecake, etc. It was fun. The crowd dwindled down to just me, M, Terry, DD and Matt and things started getting weird... they were getting on my shit as to why i was leaving, an intervention of shorts. I didn't have a valid excuse except that i didn't like cold weather. I guess i could've made something up cuz they didn't understand my theory about leaving a place before you form attachments. "The secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go," as Michelle Shocked says. M especially was like, "what's one week going hurt?" She had me alone at one point and said she was sad she wasn't gonna get to know me better, being all flirty and coy. "What's one week gonna matter?" was my response, I'd still have to leave at some point. But at least i'd get another going away party. Just to placate them i flipped a coin and it was tails which meant stay for another week. So guess i'm staying another week, which at least will give me a chance to get to know M to see if it's something worth pursuing. DD was drunk and had that glazed look that reminded me of how dad always looked, ½-smiling and vacant. We put on tunes and danced around and it was getting late and M took off and next thing i know it was just me DD and Angela and they invited me upstairs to sleep on the futon, joking about having "a love triangle," so i got up and said this was too weird and thanked DD for the party and said good-bye, hoping for easy closure. But when i got back to the Johnson and was brushing my teeth she knocks on the door and is just standing there and i'm like "yes?" and she wouldn't say anything but just shrugged and stood there swaying with that vacant look on her face so I'm like "look, this is too weird, i'm really not into this." And she said something like "what are you talking about?" I felt violated and told her so. I was starting to fear that i would have to physically remove her.
         "What are you afraid of?" she asks.
         "You. You're lost. I don't know what you want and don't want to know. I don't want anything to do with this."
         Don't tell me there's not a connection, blah, blah, blah..."
         "No there is nothing. Dead end street. Dead, one way. You should leave." Finally she left.
Why does she do this to herself? Does she want to be rejected? It is totally psychotic.
         Her car was parked outside of the cafe when i woke up. I didn't sleep much.  At least i escaped her clutches. I made plans to meet M on the sly and i'm meeting Rusty in a few minutes to have a last breakfast with him. Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.
         ... ugh, fucking bank is closed in observation of Columbus/Native American day! Whatever that's supposed to mean, combining both on the same day.

Oct 13—Hill City
Still in Hill City. Imagine that. Imagine why. What's come over me, staying rather than running away like i usually do? Maybe this is what i came to the Black Hills for. Monday morning had breakfast with Rusty and said my goodbyes and all that. Was feeling really wired on no sleep and lots of coffee. Went back to H.C. and was tired so i took a nap and then went to Susan's house and M had left a note for me that they were at the South Seas, but i was already doing my laundry. I eventually made it over there and found her amongst a group of sport climber types hang-dogging up rocks. I bouldered til she wanted to leave and we went hiking above Horsethief Lake. Nothing was said but it was obvious what was happening. I was in conflict with myself whether to stay or go, telling myself to not take the bait but at the same time curious to at least taste it. We hiked to the top of some bluff and she told me a lot about herself and her experiences last summer on the rez and working as a ranger. In my mind i was resigning myself to stay but was i being crazy?  I can hang around and at least see what I'd be missing. So we went to Garbanzo's and she's getting sad and I'm not so sad cuz in my mind i knew i was staying but i didn't want to tell her and commit myself to staying. So we slept together at Sue's place and it was quite comfortable i must say, i could easily get used to this. I'm missing out on a whole nother facet of life, this romantic cuddly stuff. Tuesday morning i packed up while M was dealing with some ex-boyfriend of hers that finished up his thesis and is going back to NY. Something weird about that, though she seemed fairly casual about it considering he evidently had big plans to settle and get married, etc. So that had me a bit on the leery side to get involved with her but what the hell, i got nothing to lose. So i'm all packed and just kind of parked on the street with all my stuff in bags and all i had to do was put my key in the ignition. She was late getting back and i couldn't go over there cuz she was probably having it out with her ex. People like Martin and Mike and Lisa walked by and saw me, confused as to why i'm still there. "I thought you left?"
         "Just taking the last bit in," I said, sitting in my car with the key in the ignition. Finally M shows, we store my stuff in Sue's workspace just like all the other vagrant climbers do while they're away on expeditions. But not me, this is like the opposite of that. We split to the Badlands and hiked around then ate bad Chinese food in R.C. Then spent a passionate night at Sue's place, though we had to be a bit constrained since Sue was there in the room next to us.
         Wednesday we went hiking after helping Sue with her storm windows and we got about ¼ mile in and M says "why don't we just go to a hotel and devour each other all day?" So i got a room at the Johnson, this time #14. And that's what we did all day, taking breaks to take naps. Then we went back to Sue's and made Gado Gado, then back to the hotel. She had to wake up to open OBC and i went in and Bob asked if i wanted my job back, which is weird, but what else am i going to do? I can't run out of money. Maybe DD doesn't need to know about it, she's hardly around the cafe.

Oct. 18 —Hill City ... still
[Dream from Oct 18, 1994 already logged in dream journal]
What am i doing still here? M! Worth it for a girl if anything, i guess. But it's weird since i had my heart set in motion and here i am back working at OBC, what the fuck? That was a big mistake so i quit today (after working 3 days). DD came in a few times but didn't say anything, she knows why i'm staying. In a town of 300 people word gets out. I need to meet M somewhere besides here so i don't associate her with what's passé. I've only known her for a week but am developing feelings for her, don't know if it just has to do w/ the idea of all this, of meeting her right as i had my foot at the door but not knowing where i'm going to next, so using her as an excuse.

Oct 18
Dream that it was going to snow even though the weatherman said it wouldn't. It did.
         I want to write a story about a kid who makes his living stealing umbrellas and then waiting for rainy days to sell them back to people.
         Reality and dreams are merging as are my "personal" journal and my "writing" journal, becoming one and the same. M bought me another journal so i can hurry up and finish this one. This is already passé. Always need to move ahead to look behind. New people, new places. Need to wipe the slate, start a new journal, a new journey.

[hiking somewhere in the Black Hills on Oct 19]


[climbing w/ Matt above Sylvan Lake]

Oct 20
Still held up in H.C. In limbo. Took M to the doctor on Tuesday and they think she might have a problem with her heart and needs to return next Tuesday to run like a rat on a treadmill for 7 miles. So now it would be really cold of me to leave. Wednesday we went for a hike up Lost Cabin trail to the lake. I brough my climbing gear thinking we might do some climbing but it was too cold so we kept going up to Harney Peak and returned via Willow Creek, about 13 or 14 miles in all. We got pizza in Custer and were having a mellow evening at her house when she started to act kind of weird, being quiet and pensive. I thought i saw somebody out the window actually, or more like i felt we were being watched (as she was massaging my feet). Then there was a loud knock on the door and she didn't want to answer it cuz she thought it was her ex. She finally answered it and then there was 15-30 minutes of crying and accusations on the cold front porch while i waited inside. Never even saw what he looks like, could just hear them fighting.  I just hung out inside not knowing what to do, it seemed so ridiculous, petty and unconstructive. M was pretty shaken up. Things are getting weirder and more red flags are raising but i already told her i would stay at least to take her to the doctor.
         This morning it finally cleared up so we went climbing at Rushmore. Did Wave (5.7), 2 pitches of easy but fun climbing over a series of bulges that were like waves. Then we did Gossamer (5.8), an insane route up a sharp arete on a fin with a big hole in it, laying it back up the arete and over the hole, excellent exposure. Brought old Max along and it was just a crisp beautiful autumn day. I have 5 days to do some writing, to write about this kid who sells stolen umbrellas. He watches the forecast and chases stormfronts across the country to sell them, always seeking out bad weather. He also steals them back from people to sell them again. I'd also like to write about a botany student who quits ½ way thru his last semester, incorporating bits of my thesis. [followed by these 2 pages of I Ching consultation + brainstorming ideas for stories]

[followed by dream from Oct 24 already logged in our dream journal]

Oct 24
Fri 21: climbed a 5.9 in my hiking boots cuz i forgot my climbing shoes.
Sat 22: Hiked Flume trail w/ M then she went to work.
Sun 23: Ran from Cathedral Spires down Norbeck and up a road about 8 miles in all.
Nov 24: Went to Rapid to drop off film, ran into Matt, ate Chinese food, then hiked Bear Butte. Getting very cold, cooking lots of squash and rice and potatoes.

Analogy with 4 brothers living in a teepee and a strange woman comes along (stepmother). Brothers go off to school but one stays to spy on the woman who is manipulating their father.

Read Jung's Psychology and Religion. Lots of food for thought about archetypes and universal metaphors.

[followed by dream from Oct 25 already logged]

M is running on a treadmill. This time for sure my last day in South Dakota. Famous last words. It was really cold last night, like 20°. Woke up and took Max for a walk then did laundry, etc. By the afternoon it was warm enough to lay out on the porch w/ Max in the radiant sun. Sprawled out, fell asleep. M was raking the leaves into a big pile. When she was done and went inside and i ran and leaped into the pile and buried myself, inhaling the sweet decay and felt the warm decomposing death. M joined me but lost her glasses somewhere in the pile, it took us quite a while to find them and when we did they were missing a lens. Hmm, looking for a lens in a pile of leaves, would make a good story. Then i climbed around in a tree. It was a beautiful Indian summer day but i'm itching to leave.

[Max + me in the leaf pile w/ posicle in mouth]

Oct 25 pm.
Embarked on DH Lawrence's Sons and Lovers while M was at the doctor. Her heart is fine but she has some inflamed pocket near her lung caused by a bone spur. No big deal to treat. So we had dinner but i couldn't sleep cuz i kept thinking and dreaming how i wanted to be a pilot. Of course we avoid the issue at hand, of me leaving. Woke up and packed and said our goodbyes. She was crying as i drove off. I drove and drove all afternoon and evening, no looking back. Out of South Dakota on the backroads of Wyoming into Colorado through the chaos of Denver and down I-25 until it was getting late and i didn't want to miss the scenery so i curled up in a ball on my front seat at some rest area near the New Mexico/Colorado border. It was cold. I dreamt something about a missile silo.

Oct 26
Woke up with the sun and watched it rise driving across the border. Took backroads through to Taos. It was icy and snow was on the ground. By Angel Fire hit this cool cloud i had to drive through and then into Taos and Santa Fe, then Albuquerque. Didn't stop except for a $1.25 lunch at Taco Bell when i had to gas up. I have to watch my cash situation. I have $193 in cash and $300 T.C. Drove straight through to see the sun set over Tucson. Pulled in and was buzzed and weary. Todd Shipman wasn't home. Rebecca was home but wouldn't let me in cuz her place, my old house, was messy. Still neurotic. Found Harlow at the climbing gym but he lives with Edie in a house. Saw Brian walking on the street with some girl Christie. They were already drunk and on their way to Dread Zeppelin. I gave them a ride but didn't want to fork over $10 and leave my shit in their car much as i wanted to see Dread Zeppelin. Evidently Jess is still in Colorado, a big reason i came back to Tucson i think. I tried Bruce but he lives in a cottage behind a house and the woman in the house freaked out when she saw me. I was aimless, homeless and weary. And hungry. Randomly running into people who were all going about their business as if i never left—Don, Allison, Trip, Christine, Christ... they all just stared at me and kept asking "what are you doing here?" to which i didn't have an answer. No one offered me a couch to sleep on. Finally i caught Mark at work and went with him while he sped through Tucson delivering pizzas. He got me a free pizza then we went over to Rich's and hung out watching him paint and be deep. Hmm, nothing's changed. Finally came up to Mark's crib under Ponotac Ridge and slept with no blanket (and hot) on the couch. Woke up and saw Jesus and Brian then got my shit from Erica's. There was a big monsoon that flooded their basement so my shit got all wet, my Peruvian blanket is all moldy. Oh what fun, sorting through ½-ruined water-logged possessions.

Oct 28
Met Jesus and this new physics grad Sara at Gentle Bens and drank pitchers of porter. Bruce showed up and then Lydia and Mia and some other people and it was getting out of control, these friends of mine from different genres. Jesus agreed to meet later since it just wasn't happening for 1 on 1 sort of talk. Bruce was busy scamming on Sara, they wanted me to meet them at Baboquivari lounge but i went w/ Mia to some modern dance performance "Inbetween Silences" and it was weird and enjoyable i guess.  Cruised over to O'Malleys after that. Brian was bartending so kept giving me free whiskey sours. Mark wasn't there so i hung out with Allison, Brook, Jorge and Gwynn, who was on the rebound from Tim and going on and on about it. At least Sam Taylor was playing to keep me distracted. I called Heather and she came immediately and we went to The Cup to eat pumpkin pie and experience culture shock, not used to all this drinking and superficial conversation. Had a weird sort of outta body experience where i was watching myself wondering who are these people and what i am doing here. She dropped me back at O'Malleys. Couldn't find Mark but ran into Tim and then Todd M. The place was full of Sorority bimbos. Then Mark finally showed up and we went up to his place to sleep. Woke up with a hangover. He left early for Colorado. I met Heather for breakfast at Bobos and kind of just hung out w/ her all afternoon on 4th Ave looking for costumes and watching football games. Then slept in the student union for a while and met Jesus in the computer lab. We went to see Ed Woods, kept me entertained i guess. He gave me the idea of going to Cochise College to go to flight school. After that everybody was at keg parties or clubs and i didn't feel like spending money and didn't have a costume. Ended up sleeping up on my old roof (now Rebecca's) reminiscent of my last day in Tucson before going to South Dakota. She wouldn't let me inside so i climbed the tree w/ my sleeping bag.

Oct 30
Waited for Harold at Bentley's and went up to Mt Lemmon in his big tank. Went to the Boneyard and he started us on this 10.c that was really weird for me, big sloping holds instead of small crystal nubs of the Black Hills. I made it but it was desperate. Got attacked by some weird satanic creature. I led some 5.9 after that that was easy. It was cold cuz we were in the shade otherwise it was nice to be back in Tucson. The rock at the Boneyard was pretty chossy and they had to scrape away the lichen to put up the routes there. Harold had to get back so we headed down and i slept in the library for a while then met Heather and there was some white trash party next door so we crashed it and hung out in front drinking jungle juice. Todd Shipman showed up with his dark glasses on and went into his court jester routine, making a fool of himself, but funny nevertheless. Went with Allison, Noel, Todd, Rich and Heather to this party at the house that Isabelle used to live in. I went and roused Boyd out of his crib. He's a strange character, neat and introverted, yet sketchy, never makes eye contact. Wouldn't be surprised if he was a serial killer. Weird little social games between Todd and Heather as Heather was scamming on this dude Ron. Whatever. Ended up sleeping with Heather at Allison's house on her fold-out cuz Heather's house was too noisy. Kaya got out and we had to chase her around the neighborhood at 2 a.m.  Had a dream [not logged in dream journal] that Kevin said to me "you're like a holocaust, you can be so dark and then again so light."

Oct 31
Halloween. Woke up and hung out with Heather and then Greg. He works in Douglas so he was giving me the scoop. Then i ran into Brian was off to do lunch with him and ran into A as well, so we ate lunch, then A and I went up to Reddington Pass and swam in the river and waterfalls. Beautiful rock around there. Great bouldering. Then we had a fine dinner at Athens (last day before my credit card expires). Then we dressed up as "old people," drew wrinkles on our face and put flour in our hair to make it look stringy and gray. Kind of rushed but at least it looked like a costume of some sort. We went over to Neon Moon where King Suave was playing. Danced a few numbers but these 2 conservative friends of A, Diana and Leslie, were being all pouty and haughty cuz "our friends aren't here." Sniffle sniffle. So we went to some small lame party where A copped a joint and we split, decided to just get a 6-pack and go back to her place. Smoked the joint and we started dancing and swaying and feeling each other out. Then we snuck over to take a hot tub. Felt kind of like where we left off 6 months ago, feels good but neither of us want to commit to the next move. I told her she intimidated me but was having a hard time explaining myself cuz i was stoned. She's just intense and hard to read, a lot of potentially weird vibes flowing between us, some potentially good i guess. I'm also confused being that it's only been 4 days since i left M. There was drunk people all over and it was funny, we were in our own world oblivious to it. Went back and slept together but didn't have sex. A very restless night but was comforting i guess. I feel very up in the air, ungrounded. What the hell am i doing with my life? I'm like that creepy guy who hangs out at his high school long after he's graduated, that guy in Dazed and Confused. [Followed by dream from November 1 already logged].

[me + A as old people]

Nov 1, 1994
It's all a blur... woke up with nothing really to do, with kind of a trapped feeling in an oppressive sultry atmosphere. Waited for A to get out her knee therapy and i guess we just napped and vegetated (to busy the night before to actually sleep). At 6 i met Heather to go to Torq's. Yum. And then Marble Stone ice cream, doubly yum. Went over to Allison and Regina's (Rita), shit, now i'm really confused. They're all funny tall girls that sniffle a lot like they do coke and drink a lot. We watched Age of Innocence. Then Heather and I went back to her place to veg and eventually i caved in and called A and spent the night with her.

Nov 2
Woke up and was driving A to class when the El Chapo [what we called our Ford Courier] just died. Right after i pounded on the dashboard and said this car sucks. A was also wearing the turtle necklace that she helped herself to and i was trying to get it back without going into the details of what it meant to me. The carburetor is all messed up or something so we walked to school and i hung out. After she got out we hunted around for people with cars. Ended up my car started and we made it to her home.  I offloaded some stuff at her place so if the car broke down i could just ditch it. It got us to some bad movie that we ended up walking out of (The Client) then went and got a Flying Z and a pitcher of Watney's and ran into Brian and Carlos... 4 physicists—an under-grad, a Bachelors, a Master (me) and a post-doc—all unemployed. Hmm. At least it i knew it just wasn't me, that i wasn't wasting my time looking for a job in physics. Went to A's and she wanted to have sex, says she loves me, but i'm still not sure. Don't want to get involved and again, get stuck in Tucson cuz of a relationship. Maybe i just don't trust her enough and it's all moving too fast. And her ex calls from Colombia in the middle of the night and they talked for an hour or so, still seems unresolved.

Nov 3
Went climbing w/ Harlow in Sabino Canyon. Went to the Acropolis and started out on Colorado Crush (5.9 x 2). I did the weird 5.6 first pitch that was run out and did a lot of weird traversing.  Harlow got the choice 2nd pitch, some of the best crack i've done in Tucson, beautiful dihedral w/ a hand/finger/fist crack. Sustained and clean. Felt like being back at the Tower. Then we did Dionysus (5.7+) a nice moderate route. Harlow did the 5.6 approach pitch then i did the 5.7+ pitch, excellent layback crack with some loose stuff, not too hard but fun. Bailed and when i cruised back to A's she had a fish dinner waiting with a 6-pac of Sierra Nevada and Ben and Jerry's. Not only that, she did my laundry! After dinner Diana y Diana picked us up... hanging w/ the Latina chicas. Went to 4th ave Social Club and danced salsa. Jesus, Sara, Shaheen and Mark showed up. The Diana's were being haughty so i bailed and got a ride with Mark, "hechando candela!"

Nov 4
Another interlude at Pony Espresso in my homeless state. The weather is turning cold which is nice. Went up to Mark's this morning to get some warm clothes i have stashed there. There was a message from Mom so i called her. I guess in Roger's movie there is some guy (Wil Wheaton) that's 5'11", 150 lbs and there's a scene where they need a double on a climbing wall so they want to send me to France to work on the film! So now i have a little more motivation to get out of the magnetic field of Tucson. Think I'll just dump the truck off at Harlow's and rent one to get to Frisco. And i was just talking to Alan yesterday about France, he was telling me i'd like it. Maybe I'll go to Spain while I'm at it and get in touch w/ that contact in Barcelona to teach, just bum around in Europe. I’m siked now.

Nov 4 (later)
... the details are ironing themselves out. There’s a certain beauty to letting things happen to you. I called quite a few drive-away car companies and they said they never get drive-always to California. But finally happened on one that was going to Santa Clara and it was ready, like now! I jumped all over it, filled out the paperwork and laid down a deposit. The only catch was that the drive-away was leaving Phoenix and i was still in possession of my crippled truck which i'm just gonna sell back to Harlow. Went to Gentle Ben's and met up with Bruce. We exchanged some writings and read them over some porter. Heather showed up for a while from her busy "homecoming" schedule. Then A showed, then Harlow, Jesus, Todd S, Boo, Chris, etc. It was a fun time talking about "Bruce's juices" on the mattress (psycho landlady stories). A found my stories and was reading them silently. She had no idea that i wrote. We ended up going to Shaheen's and watching Wings of Desire. Not so different from Faraway So Close to enjoy thoroughly, but still was excellent. Too bad i saw them out of sequence. Somewhere in the night i arranged for Harlow to buy El Chapo for $200 if he fixes the carburetor and it works, otherwise he'll salvage it and we'll split whatever they give us. And Lydia's going to Phoenix on Sunday so can give me a ride. Have to pick up the drive-away Monday morning and i have 2 days to get it to the Bay Area.  Had a dream i was in a world where no cars worked.

Nov 5
Went and climbed at the culvert w/ Rebecca. Figured i needed climbing gym practice but didn't want to spend $7. Hung around w/ A at some student showcase thing then met Shaheen for lunch. Saw Shawshank Redemption w/ Deerdra and Jesus then got Cold Stone Creamery.

Nov 6
Woke up early and went up to Mt Lemmon w/ Shaheen. It was a typical glorious Tucson day. Stopped for bagels and coffee. The weather was warm and clear so we went straight to the top despite all the snow on the ground. The road past sky valley was closed because of snow and ice so we had to walk in a mile or two on top of the usual rap rock approach. Divine. The penetrating rays, the wet pine needles, the rock... contemplated Helm's Deep but ended up on a quite excellent link-up Chiboni (5.9+) > Quick Death (5.9) > Black Quacker (5.7 x2). First getting reacquainted with summit slab (Chiboni) then Quick Death, an excellent finger crack/layback to a fist crack/layback. Short and sweet and pumpy, dropping us off at the belay in the notch where we dropped on to the next 2 pitches of Black Quacker, going left up high which i've never done. Easy but fun. Came down and ate fish tacos and went to Shaheen's to hot tub and then took El Chapo to Harlow's so now i have no keys! Did one up on Spader's character in Sex, Lies and Videotape. Went with Heather to meet Todd for some Java and now I'm back at Adriana's ready to sleep cuz i have to wake up early, 6:30 or so Shaheen can take me to Phoenix to pick up my drive-away.

[Shaheen on Chiboni]

Nov 7 — Quartzite, AZ
[dream from Nov 7 already logged]
In transit, sitting in a Subway in Quartzite. Shaheen drove me to Phoenix at 6 a.m. (after i crashed at A's house despite her trying to rouse me). Picked up the drive-away, a black Nissan pickup. They set out my route and checked the mileage (they pay the gas so it's all free) but i had to go back to Tucson to get my stuff. Mark helped me pack it up. Good thing it was a truck, strange how things work out. Said bye to him and went down to Pony Espresso. The day of byes—Heather, Todd, Greg, Brian, Dave, etc... came by at some point and lastly i had a tostada w/ A and said bye to her. She took it well, she's a sweet girl, too bad there's spark from my side. Then again i might never leave Tucson if there was. Drove out and napped at Picacho, then through Phoenix rush hour at Sunset, and chasing the sunset west back to California.

Nov 8—Menlo Park
Cat-napped near Palm Springs and then through drizzly L.A. at 3 a.m. listening to Balinese Gamelan and over the grape vine at 80 mph and through the fog banks to here. Nothing's changed. Father Time [who figures prominently in Textiloma] wasn't at his usual spot on the corner of Santa Cruz + Sand Hill but was further down the street. Everyone's grumpy and bickery. What's with these people? Went to Japanese Udon w/ David and Thai for dinner. Took a hot tub. I have a cold and just want to sleep. [followed by dream from Nov 8 already logged]

Nov 9
Woke up and did shitty telephone errand shit all day.

Nov 10
Ditto as day before. Kevin has me hunting for a laptop and Frankenstein and The Bible, old leatherbound copies for the film. Went to the new Bangkok Station, Ban Aun [the cook] is a riot, telling us about her hot-diggety-dog days and how her secret to cooking is to put vodka in everything. Got love letters from both A and M, oi, what did i get myself into? Seems like these girls fell for me only cuz i was leaving. I've got to use this journal up before France, so i can start on the new one. Hmm, both A and M gave me journals w/ inscribed intros, which to use? I'm glad i don’t live in California cuz i don’t feel too inspired to write here. People ask what South Dakota was like and i can't answer them. I'd like to say it's a geography that still carries an essence of previous peoples, unlike the spiritually sterile California. Beyond beauty it's what the land means, what it carries. Same w/ Tucson. California has been plowed over. Not just physically, but people have plowed the soil of any roots, they've lost touch with history and the land and are living for themselves in the here and now. Everyone politically correct. They bring something up just to get in their word, like prop 187, saying "...we're not racist or anything but there's too many Mexicans entering this country." What to even say? I can't belived it passed, it's really sick what this country's doing. People think of things at such a political level rather than think of the individuals it effects. Opportunity is the essence of life. No on here can deny that if they were born poor in Mexico they wouldn't try to cross. But that's not what's important to them. They're here now and they forget how they got here and don't want anyone else to come. This colonization has been paved with genocide, deceit and betrayal. It's all a fucking lie, this country. I feel strong about this but i can't express anything when other people start to get into their selfish nationalistic but politically correct modes. I swell with anger and confusion as to why people think this way, but my mouth remains shut cuz it seems pointless to argue. I need to write a story, put the issue in disguise, put people on the other side, a story about I-5 lined with heaps of decaying tumbleweeds. The land overgrazed by cows, reeking of pesticide, oil derrick's pulling and sucking the earth dry. I need to express these things not for my personal validation cuz i feel happy with myself and the way my life is unfolding like a good book, but i wish others could just see this intead of being so consumed in their immediate worlds.

Nov 12
Worked for mom, frustrating but what else am i gonna do? $15 an hour to be in a cool environment surrounded by folk art. Each piece at the warehouse [Folk Art International] is like a ghost, carries a collective soul of that culture, together in that warehouse is a cross-cultural haunted ship.

Nov 13
took my stuff to Dave's and then worked for him for a while, made $50.  Picked up Kevin's PowerBook 540 but it's not working. Called Martine, haven't talked to her in years. I don't feel too inspired to write, feel too unsettled, too many loose ends. Itching to just get on with it. Why do i forget how demoralizing it is to come "home"? If such a thing as "home" exists. I always feel exactly where i left off, like nothing has changed except me. No one understands or even cares enough to listen and i don't have the patience to explain.

Nov 16, 1994—Menlo Park
This will be the last entry in this journal. I'm packing now to go to France and I'm going to store this away in a box in the attic. Been doing errands, buying books, getting Kevin's computer together, had breakfast w/ Martine, lunch w/ David and Leslie. I just can't relate to California, though some things mom has said have struck me. She means well but is not good at putting things into words, which in a way is effective cuz it forces you to infer stuff above + beyond the words. We were driving by the golf course and i was reflecting about how Donald and I would go fishing there and she just casually says she was raped by some jock on the 4th hole. I don't even know what to believe anymore. Said she got an abortion and then goes on about how women will get pregnant to catch a man or about how Grandpa Cal was a hopeless romantic that wanted to live in France but got nailed down by a bank job. The house of 2063 is creaking. I'm ready to leave. I'd write more but i'm itching to get things behind me and i have to pack.

[... + after this we switched to a new journal that we already transcribed in post #476]

818 <(current)> 820> Like zoombies exorcising in place to rerun our liebury stacks during this pandemic
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