[1 Oct 2019> Continuing our archiving from our yellow journal, end of 1991, now entering 1992, still our 1st year in Tucson where we met our bedder-½, who we called Zo then (mostly to differentiate her from her housemate w/ the same name), tho at the start we're still in the Bay Area for the holydaze:]
Jan 1, 1992—Menlo Park [embellished w/ party favor + champagne doodles]
A new year. Brian, Mark and i met Andrea and her friend Hope at the Achilles Heel in the Haight. We had a few at the Achilles then split to Toontown. The streets were hectic, there were 2 other huge parties on the same block—KMEL Jams and the Exotic Erotic ball. It was confusing with all the people and cops on horseback, but we could tell by the crowd where we were supposed to be. Toontown was huge, took up the whole bottom floor of the Fashion Complex, the Disneyland of nightclubs. It took a while just to check our coats and find a bathroom.
They had “bars” with smart drinks. I asked for info and they showed me vague pamphlets and then a book on “smart” drugs. Some guy was reading it and taking notes in a little notebook he had. The “vasopressin” was good stuff as it took effect within 10 seconds. He drank some “intellex” then wrote down his observations. It was all quite silly. I noticed other guys off in corners scribbling in notebooks, sometimes even in shorthand. It was all a total scam, but hey, we were there. Some woman from the LA times wanted to take a photo of Hope’s dress and interview her about it. Then we wandered around the joint. Strange people everywhere in loud 70s fashion, Dr Seuss Hats, Joker costumes, Elton John glasses, everything tacky and loud anything goes. They had an interactive video but it was really stupid. The place was huge and there seemed to be weird rooms going off everywhere. We found the virtual reality room. It wasn’t too interesting to watch but we asked a guy who did it and he said he was impressed, felt “totally real.” You wear a helmet that has full peripheral screen inside and whichever direction you turn you head, the screen moves accordingly. There was also a lot of holographic and “mind” machines—these glasses that had lights that blinked at the frequency of your brain signals. When i put them on i saw complex kaleidoscopic patterns (my eyes were closed) against a colorful shifting background. When you opened your eyes all it was was a blinking red light. We danced a while to extremely loud house music with subsonic bass throbs. A hypnotic rhythm was all you could pick out. Then 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1!! Everyone yelled for a few minutes and hugged strangers.
Strolled for a few minutes looking at strange people then went to the Osmosis lounge to do some more dancing. Maybe it was the smart drugs of the hyper throbbing music but we all went spastic in a sweaty frenzy. Great workout. I guess the greatest thing about places like this is you can do whatever you want and fit in. We ran into Eric, Arthur and Dave and Kimi somewhat later. They said Etta James was great. We all kind of dispersed in different directions. Brian immediately honed in on Kimi and they went skipping off like Dorothy and the scarecrow. I ended up with Dave and Eric but they just wanted to scam on girls, so i just went and danced by myself under the strobing black lights next to the people covered with day-glo points, right in front of the sub-sonic speaker. At one point i saw Kimi and Brian up on a side stage, full-on sucking face like it was prom night. They didn’t waste any time. I’m just thinking Brian is going to regret this because Sather is such a nice girl and he doesn’t even know what he's getting into with Kimi. I realized i was surrounded by shady looking guys in leather and no shirts, smiling at me then french-kissing with each other, so i moved onto another room. By now it was 4-5 a.m. I found the others sitting on the floor. It was quite a chore finding Kimi and Brian. Mark and i looked everywhere. In the dark recesses people were shooting up and having sex, complete debauchery. The strobic images bouncing off the dragon castle with all the psycho trippy lights and trippy melting amoebic screen swirls. Finally we found them and left. Had to drive Eric to his car whilst leaving the others waiting on the street. Came back got Hope and Andrea and dropped them off in the Haight and drove home with Brain, barely able to stay awake. Woke up early the next morning to go feed the Block’s animals. Then went to 2063 where i watched Drugstore Cowboy. I felt lethargic, tripped out and sick. The others didn’t wake up til later, went and got breakfast at 3 pm. Then Mark, Brian, Eric and i shot pool at Antonio’s nuthouse. Got a few videos but when i got back here i didn’t feel like doing anything and just vegetated and slept 10 hours. Today just hung out at the Avary’s shooting super 8, playing guitar and playing with the dogs. They went to the city to the Exploratorium, but i didn’t feel like it so hung out with Eric playing Sonic Hedge Hodge… got to level 4 where he breathes air and gravity is different. Now I’m hungry for Thai food.
Jan 4 — Desert Center, CA
We’re in the middle of the desert. We just stopped to piss on General Paton’s tank. Well, i did, Brian opted to just straddle the muzzle with old glory waving behind him. It’s a dismal gray day, rainy. There are ugly signs, debris and telephone poles everywhere. Mark is throwing trailmix into my mouth. It’s a constant Oregonian rain and I’m further reminded of Oregon by Mark and Brian’s smoking that is flowing into the backseat making me sick. I’m having my usual debate with Brian about how stupid a death on the highway would be, stemming from his refusal to put his hands on the steering wheel, driving only with his knees. It’s not that I’m afraid of dying, i tell him, i would rather just die in a more glamorous way.
We got a late start 2 days ago cuz Brian disappeared with Kimi into the woods as we said our goodbyes. We made it Santa Cruz to run over to the tide pools before the sun went down, then hurried over to see the Monarch butterflies, who were all sleeping in large crystal-like clumps. I guess they don’t really look like crystals, but they the way they glob on to each other and the hanging branches reminds of the way crystals form in a super-saturated solution when you dip a string in. Then we ate at the Saturn. Said our goodbyes to Kimi and Art. We decided to stay at Di and Thayne’s in San Luis Obispo. I drove the rest of the way, at night. Just when Brian and Mark were giving up faith that Di and Thayne existed i remembered where their place was. Ate Chinese dumplings and chatted then we crashed on the floor of their living room.
Woke up at 7 a.m. I was having a dream of being a gardener in Beverly Hills and using a weed eater that was incredibly loud. It was Thayne making carrot juice. Mark and Brian grunted and pulled the blankets over their heads and went back to sleep. Thayne left to Ventura and i went and jumped on Diane’s bed for psychological counseling. I’ve never met anyone with such positive energy, always giggling and smiling. Brian is asking what I’m writing about. I told him how i think Diane is amazing. He thinks she’s paranoid. I get what he’s getting at, but I’d call it more like obsessed, or controlled hysteria. An obsession with ranting about and undermining the whole formal bureaucratic system of middle-America. And obsessed with the concepts of control and manipulation through perverse methods, especially the way women manipulate men. But at least she doesn’t buy into it and is always smiling and positive. But under it all i see loneliness, just like with most everyone. A loneliness perhaps cuz she never had kids, of not having living parents and not many friends that relate to their lifestyle. (quick stop at taco bell, then Chevron).
So we chowed at Diane’s then hit the road through the continuum of towns between Santa Barbara and L.A. and to Venice Beach, pretending like i was lost to annoy Mark and Brian. We were supposed to meet Kevin [our brother, the protagonist of the book we're in the process of finishing from him, part of why we're transcribing these journels] in front of Small World books at 3:00 but he wasn’t there. Typical Venice beach stuff was going on, seaweed man, comedians, guys jumping on glass, new age healers, tarot card readers, roller bladers, etc. all in a bit of an excited state cuz of the pending eclipse. We strolled around observing and shooting super 8, wondering where Kevin was. I saw a silhouette way down at the water and knew it was him. The eclipse never happened, in our eyes. It was a dud. Completely obscured by clouds. We sat around hoping for a break in the clouds, but never saw much of anything. So we went back to that Mexican restaurant on Lincoln and Rose that we always go to then headed back to Pasadena. Played pinball and vegetated at Kevin’s place. There was some Ecstasy party but it wasn’t cool to show up before 1 a.m. so we went to Hollywood to the Dresden room. Trippy place. Reminded me of being in a 1950’s Hollywood movie. A place that carried a lot of history, now full of young hip bohemians using it as an ironic prop. They had 3 or 4 rounds of beers. I’m glad i wasn’t drinking cuz beers were like $4 a bottle. Kevin and Mark debated the meaning of the present, the here and now. At one point i completely fell asleep.
When it was fashionable enough to go to the party, we went up Laurel Canyon road. There were some gang members (hired security) smoking pot and collecting $5 at the door. I thought they were crazy, but Kevin said we needed to pay them and Mark and Brian were reaching for their wallets. We got in and immediately regretted it. It was full of wanna-Madonnas dancing with themselves. There wasn’t many people and they were charging for beer on top of the door charge. Total scam. We felt obligated to stay and devised ways to steal drugs to get our money’s worth. Ended up going home and playing pinball and complaining about our bad luck. I slept on Colin’s bed, the cats kept bugging me. I dreamt of a black widows—large, female ones with dead males in their webs. Brian tossed something and the web spread all over me and scared me cuz i knew the spider was so big that she would kill me if she bit me. How’s that for a metaphor for the conniving manipulating woman? Getting caught in their web. Eating the males after they use them for sex. Did our last breakfast whilst the storm came in, now we’re in Arizona, not quite as hot as Phoenix. We’ll outrun the storm but I’m sure we’ll have it again for breakfast tomorrow.
Jan 5 [Tucson]
Ahh, home sweet home. Between the sheets of my own bed. A decade has passed since dad took a journey to nowhere. In a parked car in a garage. Imagine that. Where did he think he was going? That moment was the most private of his life. A decade gone to this day. We’ve travelled around the sun 10 times since then. How ironic the sun was eclipsed yesterday. I’m not quite sure what it means, that we couldn’t see the eclipse, besides it being just a shade darker. Have i dealt with his death 10 years later? I’ll risk naivety by saying i think so. And this whole year the sun played a prominent role. Last January i came “home,” war had broken out and it was winter. After 2 summers (and no winters) travelling. I decided to study the sun, applied at U of A. Went to South America, saw Inti Raymi, festival of the sun on summer solstice, their winter solstice. Followed by another winter. Then to Mexico to see the eclipse. And now full circle, yet another eclipse marking the decade since dad’s death. And what has happened in the past decade? Mexico—the American School and R.L.S. in Monterrey, then to Mtn View for 2 years, the beginning of my depression. Graduate Mtn View High then to Palo Alto, go to Foothill College and recording engineering school. Then to Santa Cruz, get my degree then in math then travel for a year, then move to Tucson. And now is now, but what is now because when i put it down in ink it is already past? And it’s 12:45 a.m. and tomorrow morning i face my new reality… learning PCAD, studying for the Qual, looking for another job.
Got into Tucson, stopped to drop off Bri then discovered that Rich Otto’s in town so we buzzed by there and chewed the fat and threw the nerf football around then hit 2 pesos and finally back here. HOME. In it’s whiteness. With Singha as it’s guardian. My vehicle, my temple dog. And I’ll leave this below open cuz I’m bound to have a good dream tonight…
No dreams. Just frustrated desires. The qualifying exam is in 2 weeks (even this pen, or the other frustrates me)[ink changed color]. I’m supposed to be studying (says who?) but i just can’t bear to look at that academic analytic crap. Who gives a flying fuck about particles that may or may not exist? Reading it over and over just so i can forget it, again and again. No, now my mind is fighting back—just do it. What else are you going to do? Don’t be so fucking lazy. This is the life. If only i was making more money. If only i could be a righter [sic]. Ha. God what freedom, but where would i begin? And why aren’t righters happy? At least they don’t seem to be. I wouldn’t need a memory. I wouldn’t be tied down to any place. I could work anywhere and travel.
I’ve been back for 2 days. I went Monday, late morning and did my duty. Got the PCAD tutorial out began teaching myself PCAD… the first time I’ve been genuinely excited about working on something at SCLERA. Drawing trippy intricate circuit diagrams in many colors with many little symbols. And what’s more, i understand it. At 5 i tried to call Zo but she was still in Phoenix. So i did a bunch of drugstore errands, after i worked out which made me more tired than invigorated. Had to deal with my shithole refrigerator. I left it off over vacation to save electricity and consequently there was gross water everywhere and various molds, like some sort of biological experiment gone bad. By the time i finished that and cooked a nice home-cooked meal it was late. Brian comes by with 2 bimbos with big hair, cowboy boots and lots of make-up. One of them was the infamous Sonia, Brian’s “has-been”. He wanted me to come to some party with them. That’s the last thing i wanted to do. I asked what was up with Sather, he had dinner with her then told her to go away cuz he was meeting Sonia. (All purposely loud enough for Sonia to hear). Then he swipes my license and says later. He came by a little later cuz he needed a second I.D. And a 3rd time once the bars were closed and he didn’t even knock because my light was off.
Was at “work” by 8 a.m. the next day but took off in the afternoon to finish cleaning and cook for Jessica. Ended up she was being lazy so i cooked over there, lugged everything over on my bike. She whines a lot about spicy foods, or tofu, so what am i to make? i go for the Greek action—falafel, hummus and tabbouleh, i think it was much appreciated. I’m still not sure why i like her so much, if someone described her qualities (like not into spicy foods and she smokes) to me I’d probably say “not my type,” but then again, maybe that’s why. And I’m not in “lust” with her, so what is it? i keep thinking that she just needs to be challenged, injected with something. Once you get her going she shines. But other times when she is being poopy i try too hard and end up feeling like an idiot, like our frequencies aren’t quiet aligning, yet. Am i that lonely to think that a kiss could change it all? Kissing is a funny thing, how we open up our mouths to a stranger. We bummed around most of the evening, went on a beer and Ben + Jerry’s run with Sather. In a way I’m more comfortable around her because we’re just friends. Then their friend Kim came over with her boring preppy friend that never spoke. I have to keep reminding myself that they are still younger than 20. Brian came by after work, total stressball juggling the past, present and future at the same time, as far as girlfriends go. He seems to thrive on it in his little Gap clothes and loud greetings to strangers. We went over to his place where Sonia and her friend were staying. Boy, what fun. Brian went immediately for the wine while Zo and i just kicked back and watched the scene unfold. Blue Velvet was put on and then everyone just zoned out and ignored each other. What a brilliant flick tho. Zo curled up in a ball and slept next to me. God is she cute. I’d love to sleep with her, she’s the kind of person you want to wake up with. You’d probably never want to leave the bed. Her yawn! That’s the best. I think that’s why i like her so much is cuz of that yawn. So complacent and mellow, so… i can’t put my finger on it. The little climactic squeak punctuating the end that sounds like some small fury animal that lives underground. And the way she leaves these quick giggly “Hi Derek” messages on my machine. That’s it, nothing else. Just calling to say hi. When i ask later why she called she'd say “just to be sure about you.” So we watched Blue Velvet then went back to the Jessicas. If it wasn’t for the fact that Brian and Sather were sucking face right in front of us like a high school prom we might have made out, but with them there it felt stupid.
8 a.m. the train awakes me. I shut my eyes and try to go back. It’s no use, I’ve seen the light. The rain is dripping and clocks don’t stop. This timeless sea of my bed, so warm and deep, is draining into a spiraling spout. My hands are damp, cold, hot and prickly, the fluids seep the sea from me. The blankets cover, warm and buzzing, layer upon layer, lulling me into blissfull sleep. The spademan digs, i can’t see him but know he's there. The soil thrown on top of me. The undertaker feels like my father—I try to see but forget his face. The soft thuds, Piling Higher and Deeper, burying me in sweet ecstasy.
The train in the distance, once again, 8:35. It’s horn blaring like an alarm clock. I start to rise before i start to think. Up, up, up. Undig myself. The engrained instinct to survive. The bird chirping outside my door, got the worm before it piled too deep. Run, run, run, eyes fixed forward. Scared of what will catch up to me. Compelled to rise, wash the soil off. This blissful bed will devour me. Lay myself on the tracks.
Sunday dreary Sunday. A dreary weekend actually. Very dark. Haven’t studied at all. Have a bed [sic] reaction to anything academic. I guess it’s just depression, boredom. Laziness and loneliness, cuz i can’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing. Friday after work/school i worked out and went over to Jess’s house. I was going to take the bus but i stood there for ½ an hour in the cold and it never came. Ended up Bri and Sather drove by and picked me up. Went to see Rush, met Zo, Sara and Jim—some big fratboy that came all the way from Boston to see Sara and she doesn’t even like him. Then we ran into Laurel and 2 friends of hers in line. Afterwards we all went over to the Fine Line, a trendy 18 and over dance place full of high school death rockers wearing black, some cross-dressers even. Total déjà vu. It was alright, the music was better than say Club Congress, which plays all house music. They had a bar but it was full of guys, probably there to scam on young girls. Zo was tired afterward so i just went home.
Saturday i woke up and decided i would just lay in bed and do nothing. I think a big problem i have is not being able to do nothing. Afraid of what will catch up to me if i just lay in bed. Depression will set in, for starters. So i got up and decided to hit the warm and cozy library, but it was closed. I didn’t want to study in my office cuz it’s too sterile and non-homey. Denny’s sounded like a better plan since i hadn’t eaten breakfast. By this time it was raining. I rode all the way to Denny’s at I-10. It was packed, so i bailed. Couldn’t really just read and chill if others were waiting. Wandered aimlessly trying to find a warm dry place. Ended up back home. But then i was lonely as hell. Called up Zo and ended up going to the Tucson mall with her and Sather. Bought a black hat. Went back and vegetated on her bed. Went to Fry’s to get junk food. Standing in the frozen food section i suddenly felt a strong urge to kiss her. But then i just told her that i thought it would be romantic if we kissed in the frozen food section. Back at her place we spoonfed each other Ben and Jerry’s and just acted silly.
[the aforementioned hat, which we lost a few days later]
This morning i was again bored, cold and depressed. So i went and worked out. Came back but didn’t feel mentally much different. I dyed my jacket black and forced myself to at least sit in front of my physics books. I think this is the worse burn out I’ve ever experienced. So i decided to read the Bhagavad Gita and then meditated but fell asleep. Jess called and had Sara’s car so i told her to come by so we could check out the sunset. She came by but didn’t want to see the sunset and started acting strange, hiding her face from me and stuff. Hmm, is she really that complicated? i can’t help being intrigued, but also hesitant cuz i don’t want to fall into some mind trap. I could lose myself in her. Especially in the state I’m in right now. We vegetated a while looking at pictures. I started tickling her, trying to cheer her up, asked her “what was wrong, why she wasn’t happy. Then she just got up and left saying she got sick of people asking her that and just left. i sat there rather confused, then called her but that only made it worse. Do i really want to get involved in all of this drama? So then I’m all depressed and lonely again. Mark and Rich came by and we moved some shit to his new apartment. We were going to see some flick but we were late so we just went to the Shanty.
[Dream from Jan 16, 1992 that we already logged in our dream journel]
Reality: more procrastination. Wednesday night Brian came over. We played chess then went over to Rich’s. John was there and Mark came a little later. Rich’s walls are covered with pictures of girls and little scraps of paper that looks like he doodled on when he was tripping. They all got stoned except me then we went to see the animation film festival. Oh yah, the night before i went to see the Wizard of Oz on the big screen with Mark and Zo. I was truly inspired, such a classic movie—the colors! And the dreamy props and metaphors. The animation film festival was alright. The 2 Russian ones were the best. It was really cold and windy and eerie out. Brian and i went over to Jess’s house after. Zo was sleeping. I creeped into her room and crawled into bed with her. She was so warm and complacent and smelled nice, i couldn’t resist. So irresistible. Kissing her was awkward, guess i just haven’t kissed anyone in a while. I’m just trying too hard, expecting too much. She has such a small mouth.
First day of classes. Basically an extension of last semester. Except for Spanish and Philosophy. Spanish will be a breeze [had to take it for a language requirement cuz we learned spanish on the streets]. Philosophy is boring, but both Brett and Alex are in the class. Stellar Pulsation was really intense. Just 7 of us and Dr. Hill in the SCLERA conference room. I also had a meeting with Dr Hill about funding for the summer and next year. He seems to like me a lot, can’t imagine why as i haven’t done anything redeeming. I’ll probably get this D.O.E. fellowship for studying global change. Went to happy hour last night with the Jesses, Laurel and her friend, Jeff, Sara, some other girl who seemed proud of her french and Brian. Then we went to the Jesses house. Zo baked a bunch of cookies. I ate about 10 of them, then went on a major sugar crash. Zo had made plans to see Dead Again and i didn’t want to see it again so i came back and went to sleep at 10 pm! Sleep is wonderful, especially if it’s cold out. It’s usually in the low 20s at 7:45 when i ride my bike in. Brrr!
Jan 19, 20?
3rd floor patio of student union. All i see are tiled rooftops. Sunny and breezy and cool. The patio is covered with a cm or 2 of water. Some guy just watered it down. Feels like I’m sitting on a lake. It’s fresh. I like the idea that the sun is evaporating all the H20 around me. Water is not blue, the sky is. The rooftops are brick red. Tiled roofs. Feels like Spain, or Italy, tho I’ve never been. It’s 10:07 Sunday. Friday was hectic. Class at 9 then at 10. Went to the mall, it was like whatever. Studied. At 1 went to E+M, 2 to Stellar Pulsation. At 3 went to the rec center to meet up with Sean, Patrick, Gary and some other dude to play basketball. Too many people, had to wait an hour before we could even play, then we lost cuz we were really sloppy. Worked out. Met up with Lisa and went to the other side of town to eat at New Delhi Palace. First decent restaurant I’ve found in Tucson. By the time we got back it was 8 or 9. Called Jess. She sounded lackadaisical as usual and was mad at me for some reason. There was a party at Mia’s but she never mentioned it to me and i didn’t feel like going anyway. Studied Saturday… if you can call flipping through Ohanian studying. Worked out, went home and ate Thai and Indian food leftovers. There was some disco party going on. By the time i got a hold of Mark and he came over it was 10 or so. In the meantime, Susanna and i connected after 2 weeks of phone tag. She doesn’t sound so good. What’s wrong with humanity? Why is everyone so depressed? It’s too chilly out here, I’m going inside. Now it’s too quiet and lonely in here.
So Mark and i went over to the Jesses first. Zo was laying on her bed in pain because of her shoulder, and thus was in a bad mood. Brian came by and we hung out there for a while then went to this “disco” party. None of us were dressed 70s. Went around out back, it was packed. Wormed our way inside. The living room was packed full of people dancing under strobe lights to Macho, Macho Man. There wasn’t room to dance. I got split up from everybody. It was getting too claustrophobic so i escaped out the front door. Then i ran into Rich. There was a fire in the backyard but it was still cold. Rich and some other guys were speaking in philosophical terms about the usage of “dude” and “man”. Mark appeared. We mooched beer off Rich and stood in the cold drinking it. Went back in but Zo was nowhere to be seen. We hit the disco room. Identified Brian on the other side of the room by his Joker’s hat. Squeeze our way thru the masses dancing to the Bee Gees. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Went into the sarcastic “afraid to admit you missed the ‘70s era” mode and did some disco dancing. Had a cool spot next to an open window where we could feel warm body heat mix with the cold fresh air. Brett was being hilarious, completely plastered and sweaty, dancing around screaming obscenities at whoever or whatever came to his mind. Of course Mia was embarrassed and mad at him. They would fight totally in the open for everyone to hear. Then they would kiss and make up and we would all clap then he would get lewd again and bury his face in her crotch yelling all sorts of crazy things and they would get in a fight all over again. This went on til the cops came at 1 or 2. We hung around outside. Still no sign of Zo. So we went to Brett’s house. Jammed with him on guitar and me on bass, while Mia screamed in the background, which only made Brett tell me to turn it up. Went to Dos Pesos, but it was packed full of frat boys so went to Denny’s. Mia and Sather sat at one end talking about girly things while the boys overenthusiastically talked overphilosophically about things rehashed again and again such as death, God, the end of the universe, our senses, dreams, etc….
Got home at 3 a.m. woke up at 8 a.m. Dreamt [not logged in our dream journal] that Kimi made me a magic mushroom milkshake but i didn’t want to drink it cuz i was about to go to sleep. But i drank it anyway but don’t remember feeling the effects cuz i was asleep. Now it’s 11 a.m. and I’m further procrastinating here in the student union. Dong… dong… dong…
Dreamt [again, not recorded] of fingernail clippings and gorillas. Some witch doctor was gonna do voodoo on me cuz she had my fingernail clippings. The Qual's ½ over. Sunday? Can’t remember, sure i blew it off. Went to visit Jess at the library. She was acting weird, unenthusiastic and seemed almost annoyed to see me. I started to have one of my panic attacks so i split. Fell asleep in the library. Woke up and decided to leave a corny note on her bike but it was gone (ended up she lost it and Sather had to come in and fill in for her). Oh, that’s right, Sunday night went and saw “Mindwalk”. Just 3 people, a poet, a physicist and a politician—talking. Some good ideas thrown around but it was pretentious and some of the dialogue forced. Went with Brian, Rich, Alan and Mark. They were all baked. Monday morning went on a hike. Studied most of the morning cuz no one could get their shit together. Finally Brian and i made it over to Jess’s around 11 a.m. Jeff, Martin, Mia, Brett and Jennifer were already there. The Jesses weren’t around. Sather appeared, but Zo was having a hard time, didn’t want to go on the hike and didn’t want to see anybody.
We drove up through condoville (Ventana canyon) to get to the trailhead, past “no trespassing signs”. Beautiful hike. We got up to this big sloping cliff with pools and waterfalls, water chutes. “Maiden’s Pools”. Brett almost died trying to crawl out on this ledge. We got primordial and squatted and ate dried fruit. I found some beans that totally enchanted me. They are rock hard, 9 of them. 8 of them tan and 1 bright red. They came out of a pod. From nowhere came this storm. Suddenly it was windy and sprinkling and we all started running in a frenzy. Then it was pouring, then it was really pouring. An icy rain that completely drenched us instantly. Then it turned to hail and pelted our ears and faces. I left my rain jacket and sweater at the car cuz it was such a beautiful day. I was drenched to the bone. My sopping hair hanging in my face like a drowned rat. The hail kept coming down. Everywhere was grey. We just kept running down the trail, which was now a pseudo river. It was one of the coldest moments of my life. Finally it let up and we made it to the car. At least i had my sweater now, and it was dry. We were supposed to meet up at Bentley’s but there was a screw up and they all went to Coffee, etc. and only Mark and i ended up at Bentleys, looking like drowned rats. There was some evil looking trendy girl there with rotting teeth that was bitching at Mark cuz he brought in a burrito from 7-11. We went to Fry’s to pick up flowers for Jess. When we got there there was already a floral delivery message (from her mom). Zo wasn’t there. Sat and chewed the fat with Sather, then Jess came home with Sara. Immediately went into seclusion to call her mom. I wanted to leave but Mark wanted to stay. I felt shitty and helpless, i wanted to talk to Jess but she went into her room and turned off the light, and i didn’t want to invade her space. Went home and worked out at the rec center. Got home and there was a message from Zo. It ended up she did want to see me and was glad i brought flowers. She seemed a bit happier talking on the phone. Blew off studying, woke up leisurely. Blew off work. Lounged til 10 or 11 a.m. Went into but didn’t do much. Saw a few of the other grads like Jesus, completely stressed out. Said he hasn’t slept all week. Jeez. Should i be more stressed? Why do they do this to themselves, all for what? 1 p.m. rolled around and the test actually went better than i thought and i feel there may even be a possibility that i passed. I’d be so happy. I B.S.’ed a lot so it’s hard to tell. We’ll just have to see. Met Jess afterwards and we went to Bentley’s. She is so sweet. Such a nice face and nice skin and hands. Went and bugged Sather and Brett at the library. Zo went off to some pre-med seminar. I went and played pool with Chawn then wandered around in a strange mood, bothered Sather and Brett more then met up with Zo and we saw “My Own Private Idaho”. Inspiring flick. 2nd ½ of Quals is tomorrow and then….
And Yes! I’m finished! It was actually kind of fun though a lot harder than the 1st day. Went to colloquium afterwards, Feigenbaum speaking on “sandpiles”. The dude is psycho. Lisa and i wrote a story back and forth (about a witch who was befriended by a muskrat that speared his saber into her, turning her into a beautiful princess and then they were on a raft in the middle of the ocean and were picked up by the coast guard that blew them up and they ended up deserted on a south pacific island where they saw gorillas perform sacrifices and the camel got planted nose first and turned into a double bean stalk… )
After colloquium went and played basketball with the boys. Went home and chowed massively. Was supposed to meet the other grads at Club Congress. Only Lisa was there and it was dead. Gary showed up and said they were at Uve’s. Went to Uve’s. He lives in the same complex as the Jesses! Except Zo wasn’t home. Got a head start on beer while the others showed up. Uve, Jennifer, Michelle, Sean, Gary, Lisa and me. We all crammed into Uve’s car and went to the Wild2 West. He was playing The Police and i felt like i had lost 8 years of my life. The Wild2 West was alright. Somebody had the notion that we should have 1 drink for every question on the qualifying exam, of which there was 12. Whiskey Sours were only 50¢… no problema. Sure, they didn’t have much alcohol at that price. Danced a bit and played pool and got lucky. But i couldn’t break cuz i was drunk, though i seemed to hit a lot of balls in. I just couldn’t break for the life of me. Made it to 10 drinks and figured we’d have our last 1s at Uve’s. It was 12:30, i tried Jesses but all the lights were off. Went back to Uve’s but him and Jennifer (they are an item now) were passing hints that they wanted us to leave. Sean also lives in the same complex so we went over to his place and got some bubble bath and went to the hot tub. Poured a bunch in. I didn’t have shorts so jumped in in my underwear. Gary didn’t want to go in his underwear and Lisa wouldn’t go in til Gary did. He kind of cowered in a corner near the gate, very wasted, could barely drink his 12th beer. He had a towel over his head and looked miserable. He slowly passed out and Sean covered him in bubbles. It was a funny image, even the night watchman thought so (before kicking us out). We had to carry Gary up to Sean’s place with a pot under his face in case he threw up. Then Lisa (who hadn’t been drinking) drove me home.
Woke up this morning with an excruciating hangover. I had to deal with administration bureaucracy to send transcripts, get a letter of recommendation, etc. Nothing’s worse then dealing with bureaucracy when you’re hungover. Went and tried to viciously work all the toxins out of my system on the stairmaster with Jess, then we had an extended lunch at Blue J’s. Time flew by, it was 2 and i was late for philosophy. Circular, pointless analytic deductive arguments. Went and chilled with Brett afterward. Amusing character. Then Lisa came by and bugged me. Then Chawn, Chris, Bill, etc. I didn’t get much done. Went to happy hour, there must have been at least 15 people in our group, the usual suspects. I bailed early to organize my transcript and D.O.E. application. It’s now 9:15 and Brian should be over any time now so we can go see “Groove Evolution” at Palm Rock.
I’m supposed to write an essay for this fellowship application. “Submit a brief summary of your academic and career goal. Indicate the relationship between your academic interests and objectives to the fellowship program. The program is designed to support student interest in global change research and studies.” Hmm. Major B.S. time. I need to think of something catchy instead of the typical shit. How about something like this:
When i finished my bachelor’s degree (... then Brian showed up so we didn’t even start.)
[then dream from Jan 24, 1992 + then from Jan 27 + embedded between the pages is the letter saying “Congratulations! Your performance on the Qualifying exam has been judged to be satisfactory…”]
i guess i should catch up on reality. So Thursday night went to the Palm Rock to see Groove Evolution. Brian was supposed to meet people at the Green Dolphin (and he had my I.D.) so i went over to the Rock by myself. No one i knew was there. So i just sat by myself. The band started; they were ok. Zo and Sara showed up, then Jeff and friends of Sara and suddenly our table’s huge. Then Brian and Rich and John and Susie showed up. Brian was very drunk and so are the others. We danced a while though no one else was. I decided to tell Rich what a load of crap his pop philosophy was. When it was time to go Brian had split. He had been flirting and dancing with Susie. So Rich and i got a ride with Sara and Jess. Jess was being really cute. She'd had 9 drinks and was pretty toasted. When i first walked up to her she was giving this guy Leroy shit for not kissing some girl. She saw me approach and said “it’s no big deal, see watch, he’ll kiss me.” And i kissed her on the lips and she’s all “see?” I’m not sure why i thought that was cute.
Friday—classes, hang out on mall, fellowship stuff, classes, work out, etc. Made Pad Thai and Sather came over then Brian and eventually Mark and we got blankets and went out to Mission San Xavier. Climbed up the hill with the cross and looked at the stars. Had to wake up early Saturday. Chawn came by at 7:30 to pick me up. Met up with Tim and Mike but they were an hour late. Drove out to “cave of the bells”—on the other side of the Santa Ritas. Beautiful terrain. High desert (5500 ft). Kind of looked like Australia. Driving through creek beds on gnarly 4x4 roads or no road at all. Cave of the Bells was awesome. We spent the whole day down there. First went to the Green Carpet Room. At one point we had to chimney 10-15 feet across this crack and below was a 30-40 foot drop on sharp rocks. Very scary. Only being held up by the force of the pressure you exert from the sides. I ripped one of the handles off my backpack, but it was worth it. The green carpet room was indeed green. There were green patches of “carpet” all over so you couldn’t go in there. Delicate green formations everywhere. Everything sparkled like it was a fantastic dream. And these fractal crystal flowers [draws pic] that looked so delicate that if you breathed on them they might break. Everything was sparkly white. But without our lights it would be beyond black and in a sense nothing would exist. Untouched by light except for the periodic caver, which is very periodic since they keep this very secret.
We backtracked up to our ropes. Well Chawn and i did, Time kept going into this really delicate untouched area. He was breaking stuff off and Chawn and i didn’t want any part in that. We met up at the pits. Hooked up the ropes. Tim went down in this one pit but it didn’t go anywhere. Chawn and i went into this other one. He went off one way and i went another. Mine came to this extremely delicate passage completely full of crystals you’d have to crawl though. No way you could get through without destroying it. Chawn was calling me to bring the rope. We kept going down and down. Tied the rope off at this other part and repelled down this cliff—but that was the end of our 150-foot rope. We continued on—down and down. It was hard and frustrating to crawl. The sides and floors were covered in crystal slivers. But it kept going and going. It felt like Journey to the Center of the Earth. At this point it became very tight and jagged. The rocks catching on our harnesses or backup lights or packs so i suggested we shouldn’t go further. Then i heard “oh shit” and saw Chawn’s light fall off into this pit. As i was crawling down to hand him mine it occurred to me how fucked we’d be if he dropped mine too. He found his light and we decided to wait for Tim, the squeeze man. He pushed it a little further but got to a point where it just pinched him off and he had to shimmy backwards (feet first) out of the hole. We made our way out and the sun was setting. We were completely covered with mud and looked like these psycho lunatic commandos crawling out of some hole. Then we saw a mountain lion driving out! A big one with a slanky tail. Drove back to Chawn’s car then Chawn and i went to Pizza hut and ate 2 medium pizzas and a pitcher of beer.
A lot of water under the bridge in the past couple of days. A new perspective. Incoming tide. First of all, i passed the qualifying exam! i don’t fucking believe it! Took a while to sleep in.
Before i forget—I just had a flashback of last night’s dream [not recorded in dream journel]. I followed this Hindu parade. I was very respectful and stayed a distance behind so as not to intrude. The rest of the dream flies away as i try to clutch it.
So why do i always go in chronological sequence? Is it that i believe time has direction? Anyways, chronologically speaking (maybe it’s easier to unwind the thread?) Sunday, hmm. Must not have been too exciting cuz i don’t remember. Oh yah, went and studied in the sun with Sather (Zo was in S.O. [?]). We walked all the way to Rincon market and had a cosmic experience on the way passing 2039 E 6th street. Got very strong vibes from that house for no particular reason. A kind of premonition of déjà vu [years later we ended up living with both the Jesses in a house nearby but not that 1]. We decided to draft up a letter stating our feelings that we’d meet them some day in the future, and send it to them [not sure what happened to that letter]. The other Jess came home Sunday night. But when i went over weird shit was in the air and the Jesses left me hanging in the living room while they retreated to the bedroom with door closed. It ended up Brian had called things off with her. No surprise, I’d already seen him cheating on her with a few other girls, including my cousin (which Sather still doesn’t know about). So it’s all for the better, whether she knows it or not. Meanwhile I’m growing increasingly attached to Zo and well, seems she is becoming more relaxed around me. Her essence pervades me even after I’m gone. Her smell, her feel, i can feel it on me. I don’t know how else to call it, but her essence.
Monday i worked on my fellowship and got it in the mail—the yellowsheet is my supposed statement of goals and how they relate to the global change program. Totally B.S.’ed my way. Then 4:00 rolls around and got that official letter in the mailbox, the Qual test results. I liked the feel of anticipation, or wanted to prolong the reality. I still had the hope that i could pass. And if in reality the note said i had passed i had the moment—that Friday afternoon—to look forward to. This was Schroedingers test score and i was choosing not to collapse the wave function. Went to quantum class and Alex and Lisa and Chawn also wanted to know whether i passed, but i wouldn’t let them touch the envelope. In class we were talking about collapsing wave functions and 50-50 probabilities. At the end of class they wouldn’t let me leave without at least them looking (but me not looking at their faces). They handed it back around a corner. Was the wave function collapsed? Not in my eyes. I told Chawn to call Jess and tell her what i got. I went and worked out, thinking about the envelope. Came back and called Jess. I guess i knew intuitively all along but i still couldn’t believe i passed. Went over to Jess’s and got pizza and a bottle of champagne. Some serious cosmic vibes flowing between me and Zo. I felt damn good. But they had to study so i left. I feel better now, ever since. If anything the Qual is a confidence + self-esteem booster. Maybe I’m not as stupid as i thought, not totally destined for failure. I’ve been genuinely interested in my studies since. Now the problem is just time, saying “no” to going out and partying or hanging out on the mall. Tuesday night went over to Jess's to study—me, Brian, Brett and Zo. I knew i wouldn’t get anything done, but they reassured me we’d study. So i was naïve. They made lots of noise and were obnoxious, but i still managed to zone them out and get my reading done.
Yesterday was Chawn’s b-day and Elaine gave me $20 to get him annihilated. So i was obligated to do that. First we went out to eat with Bill and Dr Schulz at Midway Molinas (and of course had 3 or 4 beers a piece). Then to W3 for 50¢ whiskey sours. Dominated a pool table for 5 straight games. I was sick of hanging out with these nerds so i wandered off to chat with Brady. Then we were talking about Brian and then saw him in the distance. He came with Rich and Susie so i went and sat with them. Susie’s what prompted Brian to call it off with Sather, though he won’t say. Then Yar shows up, then i ran into a bunch of other physics geeks—Sean, Michelle, Gary and Uve. I stopped drinking, didn’t feel anything anyway on those watered-down drinks and Chawn preceded to get annihilated. I had to drive him home. Stopped at Denny’s for some coffee to sober him up so he could continue on once he got to my place. Walked to school today. One of those beautiful non-existent days. Philosophy was fascinating. Poincare’s whole notion of geometry being conventional while physics is empirical. You can have different systems but the 2 must fit together. And his parable, the circled that is our universe [draws circle]. In his example he takes a fraction to be a function of the radius so that T =T0 x (R2- r2)/R2. And say the beings that lived in this world had no sense of temperature. And also that l = kT, length was proportional to time. Then relational distances (to us, looking on this world) would become infinite at the edges. Replace temperature with time and i think it becomes a fantastic model of the universe that explains its infiniteness. As you go to the edges (relative) time becomes infinite (it slows down) and since length is directly proportional to time, distances would become infinite and therefore you’d never reach the end. Well, time to go to Tai Chi [draws pic of ying yang].
Well days have past and not much has happened. Friday night went to kampfest at D.P.C. First Rich, Alan and this other dude show up. Then the Jessicas and their friends and then Mark, everybody was there. I chilled with Zo, she was in a poopy mood but then again i wasn’t feeling like being rowdy, except for the 5 minutes Mark and i went into the pit to mosh, but it was really violent. I was thrown down a few times, landing on other people. People were throwing punches, but all in good humor i guess. You could knock someone on the floor and step on his face and he’d smile back and say “cool”. Bunch of masochists. Then Jess sez “hey come over” and I’m like, “well, I’d have to bring my bike” and she’s being vague like don’t worry about it, like “maybe someone can give you a ride” and then finally “or you can just spend the night.” So of course i say yes, of course. So we go over, the others weren’t back. Jess hops into bed like “good night”. Kinda awkward. Ok, so i take off my jeans and hope in. She was talking about how she wanted to wake up early and then kisses me good night. Then she rolls back over and then is on top of me doing stuff then blaming it on me. She’s so cute. And then when was sleeping she lets out these cute little grunts. She’s nice to sleep with. Woke up at 8:00 or earlier. She wanted to sleep until 10:00 and i was wide awake and had to get on with my physics. Missed the bus so ended up walking the whole way. One of these pensive walks, thru the worst part of Tucson. Saturday i supposedly studied but was the master of self-deception and procrastination. Sunday went to Rincon market with Sather. It’s almost becoming a tradition. Played ultimate at 9 pm. We lost in a big way to a bunch of frat boys. All of our best players were gone. Went to take a hot tub at Sean’s afterwards, poured bubble bath in it again. The Jesses were busy so they didn’t go in. Today classes all day and some lame SCLERA thing that dragged on for hours.
[Then 2 dreams from February 3, 1992 that we already logged in our dream journel]
Time flies. Space is a manifold of intuition. I guess the only thing new that happened last week was that i got a job. Just as i was starting to call want ads, considering leasing a taxi, working at Bookman’s etc. Jesus sez to me they’re hiring physics tutors at the office of minority student affairs. So i got my resume and transcript and was ready to drop it off when Louris is all “you have time for an interview?” then tells her secretary to hold her calls, she’ll be an hour or so.” At least i didn’t have time to get nervous, tho i was sweating from the walk over, but Louris just handed me a tissue. She was pretty cool, radical motivated black woman with 4 jobs a big smile and positive vibes. She basically asked my life story, and questions like “how i dealt with stress” or “how to get someone to trust you.” i guess i did okay cuz then she just said that Jesus needed to test me on the physics stuff which he did, mostly we shot the shit and at the end he said that he should probably ask me some questions and then just asked “do you feel comfort with the material.” So I’m in. Tomorrow i find out what and when I’m teaching. $15.40/ hr. which should help out financially. I start Tuesday.
Didn’t do much this weekend. Friday night went to Lisa’s to have dinner with her and Ajay. He cooked awesome Indian food, i forget what it’s called, kind of garam masala/fennel potatoes and peas, ground turkey, etc. We had some wheat tortillas to use for the “nan”. I was sitting there talking to Lisa when this thick cloud of smoke came from the oven. We opened it and the tortillas were totally aflame. It was totally funny. No problema, we're physics grad students. We can make tortillas/nan. It took us about an hour to perfect the recipe. I rolled them with a wine bottle (one of 2 we polished off). Ajay told me a lot about India and Hinduism over dinner. By then it was past 11. I told the Jess’s i would be over at 9 cuz they were having a party. I called and they were being goofy, doing whippets. I guess when you don’t have a car you have to go with the flow. We ended up taking a hot tub. I wanted to stop and sleep at Jess’s house but she thought we should spend more time talking. How sweet. Though it would have been nice to share some body warmth. Saturday night got Brian’s car. Yah! Freedom. What do we do now? Hmm. Wild date. Well, we went to the Olive Garden (Jess and I). We sat and talked for like 3 hours. I brought a nutcracker along. I think she saw the humor in it and has since asked me why i don’t carry it more. I still can’t put a finger on why i like her so much. It’s taking us forever to sync up wavelengths, but i think we’re getting there. Drove back to her place and vegged out. But Brian came back like a concerned parent, “did you hurt my car?” He was all irate after some political discussions with a redneck army captain. We went to Tim and Jeff’s party with Sather (Zo stayed home to do homework). Kevin was there, nice to see that there’s another physics grad that has a life outside of physics. Brian and Tim were being insane and destructive, breaking the plant poles and making sword javelins, then doing karate. Went back and sure enough, Jess was studying, Saturday night at 1:30 a.m. Again, i would have loved to just crawl in bed with her, but oh well, my bed is not so bad. Studied today like any other, taking a break here and there to bug Jess at the science library or to watch the “Hemp Rolls” [??] or take a nap in the sun. Played ultimate at 9, we lost but i made some fun catches, laying it all out at the expense of more scrapes and scratches on my arms and legs. 12:30 Sunday night. Silence. I near the air buzzing.
Ahh, this bed is so warm and cozy and homey. I set my alarm so i could wake up early and experience it. Am i really experiencing it? Time just seems to be passing by without me. Sometimes i feel incredibly inspired and enthusiastic but am brought down by the mundaneness of life around me, it trips me up. I guess the new thing this week was that i started teaching. I was and wasn’t nervous. I mean, i was nervous but didn’t let myself think about it. I was afraid I’d get in front of these students, all eyes upon me, waiting for me to lead the show. Once i started to freak out a bit, get flushed and start to sweat like i always do, afraid it would escalate and i would lose it. My hands would be sweaty for sure and i would leave marks on the chalkboards. This is one of those mundane things that trips me up, one of the biggest fears of my life. I have no control over it. I need to take a step back. We are these biological creatures that developed out of protons and electrons (and neutrons) that somehow learned or just became self-conscious. The fact that we’re self-conscious is so insane, and it’s this self-consciousness that is at the root of my panic attacks. I can abstract it in my head but why doesn’t my body feel it? It is this separate entity. It’s like trying to control what you dream about. I must detach myself from my ego. Just use my senses, that’s all. But don’t rely on them. Look inwardly. Use my consciousness like a tool to see outwardly. I must be deep inside looking out. That way I’d have no concept of self. But there’s too many mirrors in my life. I exist outside looking in.
The first tutoring session wasn’t that bad. I’m probably not a great, inspiring tutor, but I’m getting used to it. And it’s good practice. I’ll learn a lot, teaching these “easy” E+M problems. Drop-in is even funner cuz it’s 1 on 1 and the questions come from everywhere—physics, algebra, calculus, chemistry, biology, differential eqns, statics, engineering and even accounting. At first I’m like I’ve never taken the class, but most of the time i can direct them to the answer by asking what the question is about, drilling down, using the Socratic method.
Been studying late at my office. Weds night (after winning at basketball) i stayed there til 12 or so then Bill and Chawn and i went to Geronimoz. By the time it closed it was pouring. I was at school til 2 or 3 waiting for it to stop, but it didn’t. Finally just rode home in the rain. Someone may as well dumped a bucket of water on me. The streets were flooded. And i was riding through it full speed. And it was pure bliss. I was alive, that was real. Woke up at 7 and it was the same story. Pouring rain. I had to go tutor. This time i brought a change of clothes wrapped in plastic bags. Thurs night after 10 pm went to the Palm Rock with Laurel, Eliza and Jess. It was dead. But we went in cuz the doormen were Jess’s Kas and they let us in for $1, giving us this supreme bullshit. Finally we had the sense to go to the Green Dolphin, where it was so packed there was a wait to get in. Jess was being poopy as usual. And i didn’t feel like getting drunk so we left. When she dropped me off, she didn’t even turn the car off. 10 minutes til Valentines. It sucks being more infatuated that the other. Why do i do this to myself? This question was on my mind so i consulted the I Ching. Of all things it gave me [draws symbol] Hsein/influence (wooing)—Joyous above keeping still. “The lower trigram is the youngest son, the upper is the youngest daughter. Thus the universal mutual attraction between the sexes is represented. In courtship, the masculine principle must seize the initiative and place itself below the feminine principal.
To take a maid to wife brings good fortune.” (I don’t know if I’d go that far!) “Weak above, strong below, hence they attract, they unite… bringing success. All success depends on mutual attraction. By keeping still within while experiencing joy without, one can prevent the joy from going to excess and hold it within proper bonds. i.e. “perseverance furthers”—for it is perseverance that makes the difference between seduction and courtship; in the later the man takes a position of inferiority to that of the weak girl and shows consideration for her. This attraction between definites is a general law of nature. Heaven and earth attract each other and thus all creatures come into being. Through such attraction the sage influences men’s hearts and in turn the world attains peace. From the attraction they exert we can learn the nature of all beings in heaven and on earth.”
This put me in better spirits about Zo. She gave me a really sweet Valentine’s on Friday saying i was special. Shit, why do i need to be validated anyway? Why can’t i just enjoy my feelings for her? It’s selfish to need her to express feelings for me. Friday afternoon at 4:00 i took off on my old Schwinn cruiser with ripped up tennis shoes, baggy hippy shorts, t-shirt and a muddy outdated helmet out St Mary’s and into the desert. Far from the yuppies that spend thousands on fancy bikes and colorful spandex get-ups, just to ride once a month. St Mary’s looped around over Star Pass and came to Gates Pass. I was full of energy. Got to Gates Pass but then felt like i didn’t want to be on top of a mountain, but in the midst of the desert. Rode a ways down the other side and threw my bike in the bushes and began walking. After a while of hopping cacti and getting scraped i came to this rock and sat on it. It was really beautiful. Birds were chirping and going in and out of this Saguaro skeleton. The only thing is i could still hear the road in the distance. But i guess if i was in a true elevated state of mind i would be able to just tune it out and meditate in such a state. After all, the road was a metaphor in itself for the absurdity of life rushing past. I stared at the cacti til they became more than life-like then stared at the sky. It became alive like the “in-between” channel of a TV. There were white specks buzzing and swirling around in the sea of blue sky. I could see all the molecules in a cosmic dance. Then i closed my eyes and dwelled on the concept of color so i could really trip out when i opened them. Above me was a huge rocky mountain. It struck me as amazing how “solid” it was. And the rock below which i sat on, felt so hard when i smacked it. It was so damn real. God what an illusion, it’s all empty space and force fields and photons being ejected that trick our senses into creating such constructs as “solid” or “color”. This was really tripping me out and i was becoming obsessed with smacking this rock. How naïve of me to try to look inward to alter my state of mind when it’s been out there all this time. We’re living in this huge lattice of energy and atomic particles. I was thinking maybe it’s even a discrete lattice, quantum mechanics forging the connections. Rather than change physics to account for discrepancies that arise, we need to alter our geometry. Maybe it’s space itself that is quantized? And since we live in these lattice points—that is real to us. We can have no concept of what’s between the lattice points. And the same with time. If it ticked off in discrete intervals like intuition would lead me to believe, we’d only exist in those intervals and it would all mesh and seem continuous. We’d never be able to feel these discontinuities of space and time since we are LIVING in that framework.
But i couldn’t ignore the cold and the fact that the sun was setting so i got back on my bike booked home, showered, ate brown rice, spinach, mushrooms and tofu and was feeling incredibly inspired. Maybe overwhelmingly so. I was on my way to school to reap this inspiration when i impulsively rode to Jess’s. Instinctively i knew this was wrong. I was not meant to be around people in this state. They wouldn’t understand. I was right. My enthusiasm was not appreciated, they just kind of looked at me like i was weird. Went to eat with Jeff at Village Inn. It was so real and geometric and there were ceiling fans spinning around. I retreated into this state of mellowness and inactivity. That way i fit right in and didn’t intimidate anyone. Went to Kaye’s party afterwards, incredibly boring. There were about 8 people just laying on the floor in the dark, not talking and with really soft music. Nice dog anyways. Went to Jess’s but she was filing her nails and talking about all the work she had to do and how she needed to sleep. Went home lit a candle and let Singha keep me company.
Feb 18 2:10 a.m.
Rode home all the way with no hands. Deserted Streets. Incredibly cold. Full moon. There were these really chirpy birds singing complicated songs, in the middle of the night. It seemed surreal. Otherwise silence. Except near the train. Saturday—studied as usual, interrupted by a phone call from Gary who wanted me to be a 9th for softball. Had to ride to South Tucson. God what a boring sport. You spend most of your time standing around. So then i rode back then to school to meet Lisa to go to U of A vs. Washington basketball game. Somehow her parents got tickets. Her parents were complete stress cases. The game was fun except all the spectators are old fogeys, they don’t give many tickets to students, or students can’t afford it. U of A won of course. Afterwards rode over to Jess’s, they were having a party or whatever you call it when you get 20 or 30 people together drinking a lot of beer and playing drinking games, listening to loud music, thrashing around or playing hacky sack. Jess was being exceptionally sweet in subtle ways. When it came time for everyone to leave i was dying to be alone with her. It was quite amusing, she was being very slap-happy. Even at 6 a.m. The alarm blared at 8 and i was sprawled on the floor across the room to get it before i was even conscious. She thought that was extremely funny. Went out to breakfast than i studied most of Sunday. Worked out, played b-ball but ultimate got canceled, after i waited til 10 pm to play. Another day. All day 7 am -> 3 am. Class, work, class, work, b-ball, study, study, etc. Dreamt about talking to my mom in the hot tub, flooding, cicadas eating small insects, and of course fishing. [not logged, though we did record the next one from Feb 19]
Feb 20, ‘92
I’m in hyper-tension. It’s 9:35 p. and I’m supposed to be at the Green Dolphin. But I’m sitting at my desk. It’s clean. I can see how no one ever wants to be early or on time. My desk is clean because the mysterious Joseph Boyer appeared today [the name on our office door though we'd never seen him]. He blew his top at Chawn—my shit was all over his desk. He said “I understand Dr Hill has transients in this office.” I guess that means I’m a transient. He was having a conversation with a limp-wristed imbecile who drooled on my desk. Well he’s come this one time, hopefully we won't see him again for 6 months. Had my philosophy test today. It was a nice change from physics test. I could write essays, express myself. No wrong or right. No knowing or not knowing, just philosophizing. Met everybody at G-moz for free pizza and chips for the price of a beer. Then Jess and i went to see Naked Lunch. Twisted flick. “I was expecting a black centipede powder operation, not mugwart jism.” She got Sather’s cough so she’s not going to the Green Dolphin. I’ve been staying up til 3 a.m. for the past week, waking up at 7 a.m. I really started to get tweaked yesterday, so decided to sleep 6 hours, but i swear it’s a conspiracy. God damn phone rings at 3 or 4 a.m. And of course it’s nobody, or was i dreaming? [followed by I ching symbols][followed by this page that includes the dream we already logged from February 20]:
2 a.m. Saturday Feb 28
Speechless. (0) x (∞) = π
Haven’t written since last Thursday. Time—progression. Time is one dimension. Euclidean. Last weekend. Saw Prospero’s Books, serious mindfuck. i can’t remember shit about last weekend. I studied a lot all day and all night and went over to Jess’s Saturday night and we […] We didn’t get to sleep til 4 a.m. Sunday, Monday, etc. don’t remember, same old, important thing is the big changes and that Jess and i are getting along really well. Too sleepy to write.
Goes in like a lion and comes out like a lamb? What if it starts like a lamb? Spent yesterday Saturday at home by myself. After i woke up at some ungodly hour to play basketball. We lost and now we’re through and i was just starting to get semi-good. Went back home and had one of those coffee on the front porch mornings, with no shirt on reading Joyce in the sun. And observing weird rituals of my neighbors. Also listened to my 6 new CDs i bought the night before—Cowboy Junkies, Slow Dive, Orb, Sugar Cubes, Bad Brains and Nirvana, and i got lucky and got a copy of Nevermind that ends, then there’s about 10 minutes of silence then a weird extra song comes on that’s not listed. This only happens on some discs. I was supposed to meet Jess at 4 but she dogged me, said she was tired. Shit this is bad, I’m starting to depend on her. I’m cruisin’ for a bruisin’. I guess i really like this girl. I respect that she’s not changing for me. She is what she is, moody and introverted, like me, but she keeps more to herself. But yah, she dogged me Saturday night so ended up going out with Mark, Rich and Brian. Walked around, went to a party at Psycho-Panda’s house where Brett’s band was going to play. It was dead so we split and ended up (after much strolling) at Sweetwater where we drank coffee and watched Jazz. Sheet I’m tried . Played 2 ultimate games having an out of body experience.
Mary 7, ‘92
Looking back, it seems I’m writing less and less in here. I’m feeling generally less inspired. Maybe I’m just hanging around the wrong crowd. My studies inspire me, both my jobs inspire me. Spend most of my time at SCLERA learning the whole UNIX system. Was up til 4 a.m. last night customizing my workspace, making personalized icons and colored spaces. It’s like a view into a giant mind, that computer. Tutoring is challenging and somewhat stressful, but i think I’m getting used to it. Louris finally came in to do an in-session evaluation/training, after getting my anxieties up and then cancelling twice. I surprised myself. I was nervous at the beginning but did okay. I started to get flustered on one problem, which made me nervous, but then something took over in me, maybe in my subconscious and i clearly understood the problem and was explaining it well. It was almost like having and out of body experience, watching myself teach and it surprised me. That happened a few times (they were doing circuits, i hate circuits and wasn’t prepared cuz i was out late the night before at “Potato Caboose”) and i also had lost my wallet that morning and was stressed about that. But of course it all worked out and i found my wallet and each time i got flustered and stumped I’d save myself at the last second.
So yah, the night before went to the Palm Rock. Walked over with Chawn and saw Rich, Brian, Mark and Allen. Room to Move was playing an acoustic set, good, but not as good as when they’re electric with a drummer. Jess showed up with Cathy and Bonnie. It was a a fun show. Potato Caboose was really bouncy and we just danced around a lot. Walked back in the rain to the physics building, that’s where i lost my wallet. I think i was a little drunk and i took out my wallet to get a coin to fix my bike light. I remember an uncontrollable urge to just sit there in front of the bldg. And i guess i must have just left my wallet there.
So what’s up with this life? It’s a nice sunny Saturday morning—actually i should say afternoon. I’m sitting on the front steps with a cup of java, new Slow Dive playing. Feel chill, but there’s a burning in my soul. Things with Jess are okay, but i can get too worked up about her if i let myself. We don’t see much of each other which is fine, but it seems it’s me making most of the effort. And when i do see her she talks about how she has so much to do, studying, etc. If it’s not one thing it’s another. But then she hangs out w/ Mikey V every Saturday all day and meets him for coffee every morning. I guess I’m jealous cuz this is the kind of time I’d like to spend with her, rather than just running into her on the mall when there’s other people around. And she talks about him like he’s a god, how he absolutely lives life to the fullest and then she’ll say something to me like “you never study.” Sometimes i wonder if she respects me, or for that matter if anyone does. It’s hard to live in a vacuum. I work my ass off to what avail? Pure self-knowledge, physics as transcendental meditation. Sometimes i get glimpses of “bliss” i don’t know what to call it. Sometimes when I’m meditating. But it’s always very pragmatic. I see how it COULD be, i over-analyze, i know it but i don’t really FEEL it. It’s a fleeting illusion. But i know it’s there. And I’ve got my life in front of me. Which leads to another thing, most of the people around me aren’t even 21. I usually don’t think about it, but at times i wonder if that is pulling me back, like the other night at D.P.C. there were little high school punk skate rats (with parents!) and i was moshing around in the pit with them. Then again, fuck it, I’ll always stay young, perpetual arrested development. Why not? Well, there’s that uncontrollable urge to go study, I’m out of here. After i finish cooking my black beans.
[Followed by dream from March 12, 1992]
Mar 16 (12:20 a.m.)
Spring break…. what happened last week? It flew by in anticipation of this week. I didn’t have any tests like most everyone else and Patrasciou wasn’t here so there was no quantum and i just stopped going to spanish cuz i was able to test out of the requirement no problema. So i had lots of free time. I was starting to get into the habit of staying up til 4 a.m. Wow, i guess Steve’s party was just last Saturday. I haven’t written for a long time. The night started at the Jesses where we played drinking games and went thru a case of beer, between me and the Jesses, Gwenn, George, and then Martin and his girlfriend. When we first got to Steve’s party it wasn’t very crowded but it suddenly got crowded. Brett’s band played, very raw, i thought they were pretty good considering they’d only been together for 2 weeks. Everybody kept handing me beers and next thing i know i had jumped into a muddy stream and was all wet and my hair was stuck in these sticker bushes. That sobered me up! i got $20, or at least Brian owes it to me, he said he’d give $20 to anybody that jumped in the ditch and i did without thinking. Doubt he’ll ever pay up. We went to another after hours party and then over to Riches and i actually got stoned with them i was so bored. Fucking headache bud. Don’t know why i even tried it. Zo was being really funny, she’s really growing on me. […]
Sunday the rains came. Not really studying but most of the time logged onto the computer learning FORTRAN. Saw Zo a few times briefly on Monday + Tuesday + then Thursday we went out on Thursday night and i realized I’m in love with her. I’ve been wanting to tell her for a few weeks but didn’t want to freak her out. But why should i pretend to not be in love? It’s a great feeling, it makes everything worth living for. She’s so special to me, so uniquely beautiful. I’m so into her. But Friday I went off camping with Sather, Jeff, George, Brett and Joe and she went off to Mexico. We left Tucson around 5 after having problems mobilizing. We went to the Dragoons (Cochise Stronghold) near the Chiricahuas. It was really nice to just get out of Tucson. We went to Benson then thru a bunch of gates we had to open and close. We reached the Dragoons right at sunset and set up camp. Beautiful rocky fortress likes spires, silent and majestic. (I don’t feel like writing anymore).
up in Cochise Stronghold
Mar 16 9:00 a.m.
We set up camp next to a stream and built a fire. The moon was about ¾ full and it was beautiful. The babbling of the brook, the awesome touring cliffs in the moonlight over the trees and the warm fire we all gathered around drinking red wine. I thought it would be nice sleeping outside so i did. But at 2 or 3 a.m. I woke up freezing. My sleeping bag was very damp with dew. I put on all the clothes i could find and it helped, except for my feet. The next day Jeff went off climbing with Jim and Isabel. Isabel is this girl that i can tell Jeff likes and Jim is her overpowering studly macho boyfriend who likes to talk about himself. Brett, George, and Joe went off to film Joe’s movie. So it was just Sather and I. My ankle still hurt from playing ultimate, still swollen and bruised with gross looking coagulated blood, so we did a mellow hike up west Cochise Stronghold and over the saddle to the east side. Evidently this was some place the Apaches would retreat to after going on raiding parties and they'd be impossible to find. We came back over to the west side cuz there was a waterfall we wanted to go to. It was freezing but we stuck our heads in anyways. Then we ate bread and cheese and trail mix and lounged on the rocks in the sun. We went back down. No one was there and we didn’t have access to the cars. We lounged more by the stream reading then decided to find the film crew, who were at Nipple mountain. We walked for what seemed like forever, but never did find them. We came back and moved our campground cuz everyone else was cold too. Had linguini with fresh pesto (that i made) and then sat around the campfire all night. All of them were drinking a lot of beer and talking about technical climbing shit, biking, equipment, and just drinking and not saying much. I slept under a tarp that night which helped a bit and Jeff joined me outside, cuz the others were squashed in the tent and it sounded like hanky panky was going on. The next day we all did another hike… they all wimped out leaving just Jeff, Brett and i to climb this rocky mountain. It was a lot of fun. But some of them had to get going so we packed up and bailed, stopping at Dairy Queen in Benson, then “home”. Beautiful weather. Did the 3 S’s, cleaned up a bit, then biked over to Jess’s to meet the others + Mark to go out to Thai food. It was weird without Zo. I could sense her essence on her pillows. I love her. We watched movies after (Evil Dead II) but bailed early to grocery shop and prepare to face reality.
[We don't have many other pics from this time period, but we can tell by the colors of shirts + tongues (from green beer) that these pics were from the next day, March 17, 1992]
[... chronologically (1992) continues here]